My active blogging period was between 2006 and 2008. Two glorious years of online activity before my death in 2008 when I was fatally pierced by a shaft of frozen urine which had fallen from a leak in a toilet facility of a passing overhead plane.
After my death a few attempts to revive me were made that resulted in the (very) occasional post over at my good friend’s website mylaowai.com. Mr Mylaowai has been a very good friend to me – especially during that difficult period of my sexual history where I decided to become even straighter than I am now and instead of coming out went further in – and part of my Last Will and Testament was to allow him to re-post some of my old Sinocidal articles on his blog for all to see.
Originally posted on April 1st 2009 (not an entirely coincidental date), here for your enjoyment is a list I made of 50 things never to trust in China. Lists are great for writers as they require absolutely zero effort beyond figuring out how to Word’s bullet point feature – a fact that Cracked.com discovered years ago and has used endlessly ever since. Maybe I should write a book that is simply a long list of things not to do and things you should do. It could be a bestseller, but I fear the Koran may have beaten me to it.
Looking back on these after seven years I’m amazed that all of them are still absolutely 100% correct. Plus ca change, as they say in Manchester. To spice things up I have decorated this list with pictures of untrustworthy things Chinese girls say that I totally stole from a meme site.
50 Things Never To Trust in China
1. Anyone claiming to be collecting for the Sichuan Earthquake Appeal.
2. A person who’s hair has right angles.
3. A 50/50 androgynous student. Always assume the worst.
4. Cloakroom attendants who look after your bag and coat while you go and dance.
5. Taxi Drivers.
6. Any middle aged foreign man or woman who has been teaching full-time in English for more than 12 months.
7. Any foreigner who claims to be a China Expert who has not worked within the porcelain trade for the last 20 years.
8. Specials in restaurants that are priced at figures ending in 88.
9. Chinese who loudly drop English words into their Chinese conversations with other Chinese when a perfectly normal Chinese word would do.
10. Foreigners who loudly drop Chinese words into their English conversations with other foreigners when a perfectly normal English word would do.
11. Anything that costs over 10 yuan.
12. Any declaration or announcement from any Chinese authority that begins with the words “For your safety”.
13. People with more eyebrows than teeth.
14. Shops that only consist of a man in a bomber jacket smoking a cigarette next to a fridge.
15. “5000 years”.
16. Declarations of eternal love from somebody who has just accepted 100 yuan from you for hand relief.
17. Directions from a man who pauses for more than one second.
18. Hairdressers with a hair colour other than black.
19. The Lonely Planet Guide to China.
20. Websites that are not banned in China.
21. Cigarettes in red packets.
22. Un-labeled meat.
24. “This is my first time”.
25. Language partners who claim Mandarin contains no swear words.
26. Your instincts after 13 bottles of Tsingtao.
27. The plumbing.
29. A woman who says “Don’t worry about a condom, I drink so much I doubt I can actually get pregnant. If I could it would definitely have happened by now!”
30. Unsupervised tradesmen or ayi’s.
31. The information plaques in museums.
32. School textbooks.
33. “And now on CCTV, news from our Tibet Correspondent.”
34. A Chinese manufacturer that uses white actors and actresses dubbed in Mandarin for their 15 minute infomercials to imply international levels of quality and global recognition.
35. “Mei wenti”.
36. Boasts of extraordinary achievement from somebody posting anonymously on an expat forum.
37. Anyone recommending a holiday to a Chinese Province that does not possess a coastline.
38. People who don’t drink.
39. Yang Rui, seriously.
40. Claims of sovereignty.
42. A twenty-something employee with access to your database.
43. The exact time in Xinjiang.
44. “There’s no need to write anything down, we are friends!”
45. Anyone who refers to you as “friend”, and especially anyone who refers to you as “old friend”.
46. Anything with tits and a fanny.
47. The quality of a DVD purchase.
48. Traffic signs, traffic lights, or traffic regulations of any kind.
49. Chinese proverbs that suspiciously back up EXACTLY the point the person was talking about.
At the time when this was originally posted I received the wonderful comment:
This whole rant is racist, short-sighted, and unbelievably puerile.
It’s positive life-affirming messages like that which have brought me back online.
Now, does anybody have the email address of the editor of Cracked.com? I think it’s time to send them my portfolio.