So, just before Yang Wei got his CNY handjob, we were talking about my ex-girlfriend’s former housemate Nile: AKA The Room Mate From Hell.
Perhaps you may be wondering whatever happened to Nile? Did she become a better person? Did she manage to lose the weight that bizarrely only accumulated on her face and not anywhere else on her body? Did I kill her?
Before we answer that, let’s see what happened next to this wonderful daughter of the Celestial Empire. Here’s some further anecdotes from around 2007 when this sour-faced harridan actually started dating…
Romancing the Nile: How the future Antichrist will be spawned
The ancient Indians called her Kali. The early Christians knew her as The Whore of Babylon. Yes, The Beast that imitates the female form has many names, but I unfortunately know her as Nile.
Between my legs lies a cock and two balls. Because of this, I sometimes need to leave the boring safety of Qingdao, and head down to Hangzhou where I can stick that aforementioned cock and two balls into the only woman in the world who is presently willing to accept them. It is this pressing need which forces me to come into contact with the vile piece of spoilt self-absorbed filth called Nile. And, as if the Egyptian river monickered bitch couldn’t get any worse… she now has a lover.
Shawn, as he refers to himself on the English side of his namecard, is a designer of jewellery. He makes pretty things out of fake gold and glass and sells it in a little shop in one of Hangzhou’s more fashionable areas. Unlike most other designers of jewellery, Shawn is a heterosexual, and has been madly in love with Nile since childhood. Surely this is a cruel joke by God: blessing a man with the twin powers of heterosexuality and jewellery designing skills, and then making him fall in love with Nile. The Pope weeps.
But Nile doesn’t love Shawn. Up until two months ago, Nile was dating other blokes, and only decided to reciprocate Shawn’s lifelong feelings for her when he gained a recent promotion at work. Or, to put it in Nile’s words as she did last week: “I don’t love him, but he is from Wenzhou like me, so it is very convenient. Also, now is the time for me to get married, so I need a man with a good job, even if there is no love.”
I’m happy for them. I really am. However, Nile being in a relationship has only made her harder to live with, as I will demonstrate with the following five examples which occured over the last two weeks. I will do this by using bullet points, which is a trick we professional writers learn about in Writing School.
Incident 1: There are three bedrooms in my girlfriend’s house, and for some reason Nile requires two of them: one to sleep in, and one to keep her things in. Nile has a habit of leaving all the windows and doors open, so in a last-ditch attempt to keep warm I went out and bought a small heater for my girlfriend. We decided to keep the rather clunky box in case we had to take it back to the store, so I put the empty box in the bedroom which I wrongly assumed by looking at it to be a general junk room. That night, when Nile and Shawn returned from an evening sat in some pretentious coffee shop mixing English words into their Chinese conversation, we heard a small scream and then the timid knocking of an embarrased Shawn at our bedroom door. Shawn had been sent by Nile to return the box to us, and to remind us that the third bedroom is only to be used for Nile’s empty boxes. I pondered making a joke about whether Nile’s box would be empty or not that evening, but my girlfriend kicked me in the leg.
Incident 2: By the door there lies the usual jumble of assorted slippers for guests to wear around the house, and for the first few days I wear the same innocuous pair of tartan slippers. Then, after a few days, I suddenly have to stop wearing them because I find a little note stuck to the door asking me not to wear them anymore because Nile and Shawn have to wear matching slippers now that they are in an official relationship. After a tense argument where I tear up Nile’s note in front of her face and make her cry fake tears, I am forced to wear the pink Hello Kitty slippers and watch as Nile and Shawn shuffle about in matching slippers giggling like a couple of tartan retards.
Incident 3: I was completely unaware of incident three until the day I left Hangzhou, because my girlfriend knew it would probably cause me to go out and murder a small child out of anger. Apparently, Nile approached the missus during work (my girlfriend has the added pleasure of working with Nile too) and requested that we no longer sit with our arms around each other on the sofa when watching DVDs, because “the living room is a public area” and seeing us hugging makes Nile feel uncomfortable. During the occasions when Nile and Shawn watch Chinese TV dramas at loud volumes together, they sit at opposite ends of the sofa and maintain a respectable distance. Thankfully, my girlfriend held her own on this one and told Nile that if she had a problem with us sitting next to each other on the sofa, she was welcome to fuck off outside and wait for us to go bed.
Incident 4: One night, when it was really quiet, I heard Nile emit a small sexual moan from her bedroom. I suppose there is nothing wrong with this, but the thought of Nile actually committing sexual intercourse has prevented me from achieving a firm erection ever since.
(There shall be no photo here. The thought is too horrifying.)
Incident 5: On my final night in Hangzhou when I was having an early night’s sleep in order to catch the bus the next day, I was awoken by a furious argument in Wenzhounese erupting from the living room. I sneaked out to take a look, and saw a heated discussion taking place between Nile, Shawn, and a woman who looked like an older version of Nile wrapped up in some bizarre linen dress like Boris Karloff in The Mummy. Nile’s mum had appeared out of nowhere, had a loud argument with the two lovebirds for about three hours, and then disappeared around 3.30AM to whichever pit of Hell she originated from (Wenzhou).
“Hee hee, that’ll be Nile’s mum forcing them to get married even though they’ve only been going out for one month,” I joked.
“Shawn and I are getting married so he’ll be moving in,” declared Nile the next morning, transforming my joke into an awful reality.
Oh dear Jesus, what am I going to do? I love my girlfriend, but she still has another year on her contract before she can move out of that house and away from Nile. The thought of a whole family of Niles springing up in my living environment is too much to bear and would put a serious sprain on our relationship. I suppose there’s always murder, but I would have to get in their fast before she gets pregnant and the future Antichrist is born. Killing Nile is no longer just a personal fantasy, the whole fabric of creation now rests on preventing the coming Apocalypse which will surely arise once her spawn walks this Earth. I’m begging everybody out there: if anybody knows of any hitmen who operate in the Zhejiang region, please drop me a line.
Our very souls are at stake.