Nile: The End of the Affair

The Story So Far…

Part One: A New Hope

Part Two: The Han-pire Strikes Back

All good stories come in three parts: The Godfather, the original Star Wars, Toy Story, Back to the Future, Lord of the Rings and Look Who’s Talking. Shockingly, when I was first writing about my ex-girlfriend’s mental housemate I neglected to write a conclusion. It seems I have been suffering from that “Difficult Third Album Syndrome”. And like Guns N’ Roses with their shitty Chinese Democracy album, I have been waiting years to deliver on my promises.

(On a side note, at one point I thought that real-life Chinese Democracy might emerge before Guns N’ Roses’ terrible album. If they ever announce that they are planning to release an upcoming album called Moderately Wealthy Society then I know for sure not to expect it during my lifetime.)

So let’s get this out of the way.

When we last left Nile she had just embarked on an on-again off-again relationship with an effeminate young jewellery designer called Shawn. Shawn must have had a little more spunk in him than I gave him credit for, as after a few months I was notified by my girlfriend that Nile had become pregnant. Yes – even though her body did not contain a soul, it apparently did contain a womb.

Before we proceed any further, let’s have a short reflection on where this story could go. If it was a normal society it would be a simple choice of Nile deciding whether or not to keep the baby depending on her beliefs and life choices. If she was from a conservative upbringing she would keep mini-Nile and start a life-long unhappy marriage with Shaun. Conversely, if she was the type of lady who had a progressive mindset and wanted to put her career first, it would no doubt be a warm bath, half a bottle of Hendrick’s Gin and Bye Bye Baby by the Bay City Rollers blasting out of the radio.

And if that doesn’t work, you can always fall down the stairs later.

Did you really think it would be that simple?

Let’s not forget the magic ingredient of China. In any situation or quandary, adding China to the mix is the equivalent of lacing a foxy 12-year old’s lemonade with rohypnol: you just can’t predict what crazy shit will happen next. China is the Spice Melange of cultures. Anything related to China is less likely to end in a normal result and more likely to involve something as weird as summoning sand worms on a desert planet. And that’s what happened to Nile.

Nile did indeed get an abortion – hardly surprising when during that time one of the most popular Hangzhou radio adverts was a cute little jingle of a scarily pre-pubescent voice singing “What do you do when you accidentally get pregnant? ABORT!” – yet with unexpected consequences. For several years Nile had always suffered from yo-yoing weight loss and gain, especially on the face for some bizarre reason. Imagine Nile’s delight when she discovered that after the stress of getting pregnant and undergoing an abortion procedure she had actually lost FIVE KILOGRAMS!


Over a girly cup of hot green tea (both hands clasped around the mug in that way women are prone to doing), Nile explained to my girlfriend that she had hit upon a new fail-proof weight loss method. Not only that, but she was planning on getting pregnant again just so she could have another abortion and lose another five kilos. She also recommended my girlfriend could consider trimming down too by “forgetting” her contraceptive pills and getting me to pump her full of that delicious creamy slimming goo.Then she said a terrible thing. A dark and terrible insight into the depths of the female psyche:

“Maybe if I have another abortion with Shaun and lose more weight, I will look better and be able to find a better boyfriend.”

Oh dear readers! Have you ever seen such darkness, such a devious manifestation of female hypergamy? Just imagine… Nile sat by her kitchen table sipping green tea… mentally calculating the optimum number of abortions to weight loss in order to upgrade her poor jewellery designer into a successful pot-bellied government official or factory owner. Horrifying. Even more terrifying than being on a long distance sleeper train with only Martin Jacques, Shaun Rein and John Ross for company and the destination is a symposium on China’s bright economic future.

Shaun Rein. Or is it Martin Jacques?

Nile’s abortion mechanics chilled my girlfriend to the bone, inevitably leading her to seek a different, saner, living environment. However, since the day I first heard of Nile’s scheme, I have never felt at ease during those moments of unprotected sexual intercourse. Even with my wife I still can’t stop myself from thinking “Is she just using me so she doesn’t have to splash out on a gym membership?” This is just one of the many reasons why I always insist on anal. Even the labourious process of cleaning the strap-on afterwards is less worrying in comparison.

2 thoughts on “Nile: The End of the Affair

  1. Is this meant for the Top Trumps post? I hadn’t heard of Thorsten Pattberg till you just mentioned him and I googled him. After 5 minutes of research… you’re right. He deserves his own shiny card.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s