In Xi Jinping’s China of 2016, dressing well has never been so important. Long gone are the days of masses of impoverished proletariat dressed in identikit blue uniforms. Today’s corrupt official needs to look the part. If any readers out there want to know how to dress to impress within local government circles of third and fourth tier cities like Nanchang, Linyi or Longyou, Mr Yang Wei is here to show you how to dress like a BOSS (or mid-ranking government official, at least). Follow Yang Wei’s handy tips below and soon you could have a mistress of slightly-above average looks living in a rented condominium on the outskirts of town as well as your own Audi A6.
Yang Wei’s fashion tips:
- Hair perfectly formed in a buzzcut with right-angles so sharp that it scares birds away. Not that there are any birds in your tier-88 city after they were all killed in the 1960s, and even if there were they would probably just fly around your smog-choked city as there is nothing worth shitting on. If you are over the age of 45 it goes without saying that the hair should be rigorously dyed black every other day to prevent it from showing any bourgeois grey hairs. During vacation time you can be risqué and decorate your hair with a plastic green leaf that doesn’t look in the slightest bit ridiculous. No.
- Leader glasses: exceptionally important, because nothing is guaranteed to make you stand out amongst your Party Cadre peers than wearing the exact same pair of glasses as everybody else.
- Smoking is essential if you ever hope to grease the wheels of commerce and industry. Yang Wei himself prefers Little Panda brand which comes in a glorious yellow packet that symbolises gold, wealth, the mythical Yellow Emperor of the Xia Dynasty and lung cancer.
- Western style suit jackets and shirts are an insult to 5000 years of Chinese fashion – and most importantly – restrict visibility of Yang Wei’s glorious pot belly. Yang Wei has invested a considerable amount of The People’s Currency (definitely not his own) into an ostentatious beer belly, so he damn well wants The People to see it. A loose-fitting Ralph Lauren polo shirt provides maximum comfort and prestige. Ideally it should be in garish bright pink or green to combine the comfort of “sports casual” with the finesse of “imperial leisure”. Pull this off correctly and you are rewarded with a look that says “I have arrived in Zhengzhou and nothing’s going to stop me.”
- Probably the most important part of the entire outfit: a good phone provides the modern Party Member with immediate access to the infinite amount of information available on the Internet – or at least those sites still accessible in China anyway. This is one area where it is politically acceptable to invest in evil foreign technology as a Xiaomi or an Oppo will fade in comparison to the latest iPhone that you made your 80 year old grandmother queue 17 hours in the pouring rain in order to buy. Don’t worry though, you can quickly decontaminate your iPhone’s pernicious foreignness by filling it with good domestic apps like We-fucking-Chat, Tu-fucking-dou and Q-fucking-Q. At the time of writing, the most popular colour to decorate your iPhone in is a kind of effeminate pinky-peach that can be explained away as “Rose Gold”.
- Mao forbid that you have ever been forced to conduct manual labour at any point during your years of existence. Demonstrate this fact by cultivating your fingernails into long jagged talons that prove you haven’t lifted anything heavier than a pencil or a stack of 100 RMB notes in the last twenty years. Bonus! The long nails can also be used to pick at ear wax and/or excrement providing you with an almost limitless supply of tasty post-banquet snacks.
- A chunky and ostentatious belt buckle is the cherry on top of the nouveau riche cake: get this wrong and you’ll be airbrushed out of official CCP photos faster than Liu Shaoqi after a Gang of Four gangbang. A hideous belt buckle maketh the man and provides a centrepiece to his total outfit. Yang Wei personally favours a fake Lacoste belt buckle with the crocodile facing the wrong way, a crystal-studded dollar sign, or one tastefully inscribed with the words $$$RICHBOSS888$$$.
- Luxury watch. Acceptable brands include Rolex, Piaget, Omega and Cartier. Non-acceptable brands include Swatch, fitness trackers or anything digital.
- Clasped by one’s side is the indispensable Man Bag (or Han Bag if you want to get all ethnocentric). Dunhill is a decent choice because it normally comes accompanied with several free packets of cigarettes. Not only is a Man Bag a fashion essential, it is also useful for carrying large amounts of cash that you may or may not have recently received from crooked property developers in exchange for planning permission.
- Trousers. It goes without saying that these should be pulled upwards as high as humanly possible. Slightly grazing the nipple is a good height.
- Who’s this cool customer? The Ensemble: Tar black shoes paired with ice white socks featuring navy blue double cadet stripes. It’s a look that never goes out of fashion. The French call this look “L’Homme du Corruption”.
- Ideally, one’s shoes should be the afore-mentioned deepest of tar blacks, but Yang Wei had unfortunately ruined his black shoes with some carelessly discarded curried lobster when he modelled for this photo so had to wear his brown ones instead. It is absolutely essential that the shoes are polished to within a fraction of actually destroying them – preferably by a roadside shoe-shiner for as little money as you can possibly get away with. A man’s shoes should be so shiny that they almost – almost – outshine China’s glorious future.
- Some spit. Obligatory.