Clickbait post titles. How far the art of literature hath fallen…
Three weeks ago, whilst sat at home drinking a refreshing can of F-Max (the lightly sparkling fish-flavoured soft drink), I introduced the world to the exciting new game of Panda Hugger Top Trumps. If you have read that post you will know already that Panda Hugger Top Trumps is a fun game for One Child families across the Heavenly Kingdom who like their entertainment to feature the dregs and bottom-feeders from the lucrative trade of sucking up to the Chinese Communist Party. So far, neither Shaun Rein nor Martin Jacques have contacted me officially through their legal representatives, so I guess I’ll have to keep trying.
However, as some eagle-eyed readers pointed out, there was one notable person missing from this pack of jokers.
A man-boy whose humiliating attempts to grovel before his new Chinese masters outshines every other contender in the race.
A man-boy who – despite debasing himself to the lowest possible level in the eyes of the Politburo – has singularly failed to achieve the slightest success in his China plans.
I’m talking, of course, about Mark Zuckerberg.
His precious Facebook banned in China since 2009, Suckerberg has tried desperately since then to convince the good people in Zhongnanhai to unblock his website. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong in trying to expand one’s commercial operations, especially when one’s website is known to a large percentage of the world’s internet users as “404 Not Found”. I believe there are very few people in 2016 who still begrudge companies for trying to expand in China over vague rumblings of “human rights”. However, it is the nature of Suckerberg’s approach to China that earns him a very very special mention within the halls of CCP apologists. Grab yourself a sick bucket and make yourself comfortable, for we are about to list Mark Suckerberg’s 8 most egregious attempts to ingratiate himself with the boys of Beijing. Starting from incidents that only rank as “mildly nauseous” we will continue until we reach the lowest depths of whatever remains of Mark’s withered soul. You’ll probably need to encase your computer in protective plastic sheeting by that point lest projectile vomiting damages your hard drive. Join me as I attempt to not just take the piss out of this worthless sack of shit, but to weld every one of his orifices to a kidney dialysis machine for the next 5000 years until his body contains less piss-moisture than the surface of the desert planet Arrakis in Frank Herbert’s Dune.
Why 8? Because harmony, stupid laowai.
8: This 2015 Chinese New Year video
I really wish I hadn’t eaten that fish curry before writing this. Point your cursor at the video below and brace yourself.
A personal net worth of 35 billion US dollars and all Mark would splash out on his company’s Chinese New Year party was a pair of tacky fire cracker ornaments and a cheap paper lantern that wouldn’t look out of place hanging over the reception desk of a squalid backstreet Hainanese brothel. Come on Mark: surely with all the money Angela Merkel gave you to delete anti-immigration comments from Facebook you could have at least purchased a picture of a dragon or something?
What the hell is wrong with Suckerberg’s Chinese? Listen to him. It sounds like instead of hiring a Mandarin tutor he just saved money by inviting Stephen Hawking round and sticking a Berlitz tape in his voice box. And why is he so tense? Is it because he failed to enact proper quality control over the “food from around China” at the party and has had a bad case of transforming his underpants into a replica of the flag of Japan? Or is it because he has taken such a fisting from Xi Jinping over the years that he can no longer sit down? Fuck knows, I’d look it up on Facebook but I’m not a member of his awful data-thieving click-site.
Mark claims that the Facebook party would have 50 performances. I bet that at least 40 of those performances are things like Mark showing everybody he can use chopsticks, Mark singing “Mary had a little lamb” in piss-poor Mandarin, and Mark showing off his traditional Tang Dynasty jacket. The “likes” must have been simply flying around the Facebook HQ that day.
7: Mark’s speech at Tsinghua University
After proving to the world that he can speak Mandarin to the same standard as a bad Skype connection, Mark was at it again in October 2015 when he decided to give a speech to the students of Tsinghua University. To those readers who are unfamiliar with China’s establishments of higher learning: Tsinghua is generally regarded as China’s least worst university.
Have you watched it yet? I can understand if you didn’t because it took me quite some time too. The first time I watched it I was so angry that I put my foot through the computer screen and sent Facebook the bill. I then tried to watch it on my phone which has resulted in Tsinghua University receiving a bill as well.
Mark’s speech was entitled “Change the World”, which is ironic really because Mark doesn’t even change his shirt most of the time. Here Suckerberg did his very best impression of the well known “dancing white monkey” routine which will be familiar to any readers who have experienced the horror of teaching English in a Chinese school. Despite his vast amounts of wealth, Suckerberg managed to get himself in the same situation as penniless TEFL teachers trapped in dead-end jobs in tier-88 Nongzhou hellholes: shoved onto a stage and forced to act like an idiot in order to amuse bored Chinese teenagers.
And how did those future leaders of China react?
Riveted. They look like they’ve been forced to watch a Giant Redwood tree grow to maturity. At least the lady in the third row can upload her photo of Mark to her Facebook account as a memento of the big day. OH NO, HANG ON A MINUTE, SHE CAN’T BECAUSE FACEBOOK IS FUCKING BLOCKED IN CHINA EXPOSING THIS WHOLE CHARADE FOR THE EMBARRASSMENT IT IS. Strike this one up as yet another fail for Suckerberg and his revolting Uncle Tom routine.
6: Meeting China’s “Internet Czar” – Lu Wei
Mr Lu Wei is China’s “Internet Czar”. For those of you who don’t know what that means, Wikipedia tells me he is the senior executive official in charge of cybersecurity and internet policy in China.
Take a good look at the man.
This is a man who is directly responsible for the most constrained and censorious internet policy on the entire planet. His actions in blocking access to foreign content have contributed to China’s cyberspace becoming the world’s biggest intranet. Internet access in China is so bad that most people still have to resort to using CD-ROMs to get any kind of information, which is why Lu Wei has one glued to his jacket in the photo above. Thanks to him and his fellow cronies, the Information Superhighway in China more closely resembles an Information Cul-de-Sac.
And yet despite blocking Facebook and making absurd statements like “There is no internet censorship in China”, Lu Wei still gets Bad Luck Zuck grovelling at his feet. Lu Wei and Suckerberg have met on a couple of occasions, and on each occasion Suckerberg has got down on his knees and kowtowed like the self-loathing worm he is.
You know what image springs to mind when I see that picture of Mark shaking hands with the head of the world’s largest internet censorship project?
I’m sorry. Perhaps I’ve gone too far and overstepped the mark. It was never my intention to cause offence by comparing Mark Zuckerberg to Neville Chamberlain. They are completely different. People forget that Neville Chamberlain improved the lives of many working women with his Factories Act of 1937 which prevented employers from burdening employees with strenuous working hours. Zuckerberg, on the other hand, is just a slimy little cunt.
Thank God that Mark’s support of government censorship and control of the internet is only limited to China where it can’t affect the rest of us! Phew!
5: Placing Xi Jinping’s book in the Facebook HQ
Probably because the sensation of anal fisting becomes more pleasurable over repeated exposure, Suckerberg decided that meeting Internet Czar Lu Wei just once was nowhere near enough, so he invited the cuddly little Communist over to Facebook HQ for tea and biscuits.
According to Lu Wei’s follow-up report “What I Did On My Holidays By Lu Wei Aged 55 and 3/4”, the Net Nanny had a lovely day over at Mark’s shiny silicon valley palace. Not only did Mark show Lu Wei around the entire Facebook office, but Lu Wei even got to try out Mark’s very own special chair by Mark’s very own special desk!
They really had a lovely day. Oh… hang on… what’s that in the corner?
Oh for fuck’s sake. Can somebody telephone Mama Zuckerberg and tell her that Mark’s been acting like a dickhead once again?
That book is Xi Jinping’s The Governance of China. And Mark just happened to leave it on his desk when Lu Wei came to visit and some photographers were handily nearby. I couldn’t make this up.
To be fair: there is a slight possibility that Suckerberg may have genuinely read Xi Jinping’s book and left it on his desk by an absolutely stunning coincidence. That could be conceivable if the book is so well-written and so absorbing that it caused Mark to forget all about it and leave it haphazardly upon his desk. Let’s check an Amazon review of The Governance of China and see what other people think:
“Unless your Party unit requires you to read this, there’s absolutely no reason to purchase it.” – Anatole, reviewer.
Seriously. How low can Mark Zuckerberg go? Who did he think he was kidding by “accidentally” leaving a copy of Xi Jinping’s book on his desk in a sycophantic attempt to curry favour with the man himself? I ask again: How low can Mark go?
At least Mark hasn’t done anything really reprehensible yet – like using his own family…
That would be really low indeed.
4: This Chinese New Year video of Mark’s wife and child
That’s it. Fucking shoot me now.
3: Jogging through Tiananmen Square then posting photos of it on Facebook
If you have managed to read through this list so far, apart from being covered in the stinking vomit of revulsion, you probably guessed (correctly) that this post was inspired by Mark Zuckerberg’s recent photograph of him running through Tiananmen Square in Beijing.
Mark has done some shockingly naive things in the last few years during his failed attempts to ingratiate his webshite with the ruling class of China, but few have displayed such a shocking level of ignorance as this one. It’s laughable that his own PR team even let him get away with this.
There are so many things wrong with this. Zuckerberg makes a mockery of those miserable unfortunates who have no choice but to live everyday in smog clouds of life-shortening pollution with no way out. By jogging through a smog-covered Tiananmen Square, Mark sneers at all those people who have had to deal with cancer and the other fatal diseases that are caused by China’s outrageous pollution levels. Yet Mark doesn’t care about them. He just wants to show the world that he doesn’t believe those scary scientific PM readings that demonstrate the environmental degradation of Beijing’s air quality. Also, unlike those ridiculous Beijingers who cannot even step outside without wearing a facemask, let alone go for an early morning jog, Mark will be safely on a plane back to California and breathing in his privileged billionaire’s oxygen within no time.
Not only did Mark Zuckerberg show his utter contempt towards the lives of people who suffer from China’s industrial pollution, but he also chose to boast about it on Facebook whilst still in Beijing – a website that is blocked in China. In order to circumvent China’s firewall he must have used an illegal VPN to upload the photograph and accompanying comment. Such an action would get an ordinary Chinese citizen into trouble, but again Mark need not worry about such repercussions back in his Silicon Valley condo. Who cares about the plight of China’s health as long as they can access Mark’s social media site?
Ironically, I doubt whether this jog and subsequent Facebook boast did Zuckerberg any favours. The people of China would not have seen the post since they can’t access Facebook anyway. The Communist Party would have been embarrassed at a foreigner pointing out Beijing’s pollution problems, however unintended. Like every single one of Zuckerberg’s attempts to insert himself into the affections of the CCP, it will have failed spectacularly.
2: His entire marriage
***FEMINIST TRIGGER WARNING!***
Over the course of this article, we have seen the depths that Mark Zuckerberg will lower himself to in order to get his precious Facebook unblocked in China. It’s sickening, it’s sycophantic, it’s soulless. It also demonstrates a total lack of respect for oneself to crawl before an uncaring foreign leadership in an increasingly desperate and unsuccessful attempt to promote a business. If Suckerberg could prove his undying love to the great Chinese nation, he wouldn’t just tattoo a picture of Xi Jinping on the end of his penis, he’d probably get a rib surgically removed so that he could lean forward and suck it too.
However, I think Suckerberg’s underlying psychological issues run much deeper than a commercial wish to promote his business. It’s my belief that the awkward and autistic billionaire has a burning and unfulfilled need to be loved.
Bear in mind that out of these 8 posts, this entry is merely conjecture, though I think no less valid.
Let’s take a look at Mark Zuckerberg’s wife.
Indulge me in a quick thought experiment. How did Mark and Priscilla Zuckerberg get together?
The first part is easy. I think I can hazard a fairly accurate guess as to why Priscilla decided to marry awkward, socially autistic, weedy, man-boobed billionaire Mark Zuckerberg.
So why did Mark marry Priscilla?
There is no denying that there is a neediness and a desire for attention in everything Mark Zuckerberg does. Indeed, such a deep psychological craving for the respect of other people is common to nerdy intelligent types who feel during their formative teenage years that the unfair world is somehow against them. Bigger guys get the girls, but if I get rich then I can get girls too. As a theory it certainly explains Mark’s drive to create a monumentally successful (except in China – hah!) billion dollar business, especially a social media business that further focuses the attention onto its founder.
Let’s be honest. Priscilla is hardly a looker and is certainly not within the same league as the supermodel types you see hanging off the arms of people with far less money than Mark Zuckerberg. Even the late Paul Daniels did better with Debbie McGee and all he had was a magic wand and some doves. Seeing them together, it is very difficult to not suspect that Mark simply married the first woman that ever looked at him. In China I have seen more than my fair share of socially awkward “losers” slip an engagement ring on the first TEFL student who said “I think you very handsome”. I believe there is a strong possibility that Suckerberg has a very deep level of insecurity that his billions have not managed to cancel out.
(Yes, and before someone chooses to write in the comment section that I am wrong to judge Priscilla solely on her looks, I’m sure she has a “lovely personality” blah blah blah. She’s also a woman with a “lovely personality” who in all probability has married an equally ugly man just for his money. This isn’t the fucking Guardian.)
However, given everything we have seen about Mark Zuckerberg and his pitiful grovelling before the Chinese government, how can anybody be sure that he didn’t just marry a Chinese wife so that he could present himself even more as a “friend of China”?
No. I must be wrong. There is no way in this world that a Chinese woman would marry the billionaire head of a global media empire just for his money, and that the billionaire head of a global media empire would marry a Chinese woman just to expand his business interests in China. It’s just not possible.
1: Asking Xi Jinping to choose his baby’s name and being refused
So if marrying a Chinese woman just to suck up to the CCP only ranks at #2 on this list, what could #1 possibly be?
From the Daily Mail:
Mark Zuckerberg’s attempt to forge a friendship with China’s President Xi Jinping appears to have backfired.
The leader reportedly snubbed the Facebook founder’s request to choose an honorary Chinese name for his unborn baby girl with wife Priscilla Chan.
Zuckerberg, who is trying to lift China’s ban on Facebook, met Xi a number of times during his visit to the United States last month.
But it was at a spectacular White House state dinner hosted by President Barack and Michelle Obama in Xi’s honor on September 25 that Zuckerberg was brave enough to ask for the personal favor.
Seated at the head table with his pregnant wife, the Obamas and President Xi and his wife Peng Liyuan, Zuckerberg plucked up the courage to ask Xi to name his baby daughter – in Mandarin.
But a source told PageSix that he received a definitive ‘no’ from a stony-faced Xi, while another explained that it was ‘too much responsibility’.
Not only has Suckerberg learnt Mandarin, jogged in Beijing and married a daughter of the Yellow Emperor just so that he can suck up to Zhongnanhai, he also asked Xi Jinping to provide the name of his then unborn daughter. He is willing to hand over all aspects of his family life to Xi Jinping if it even gave him the slightest chance of having his website unblocked in China for a week.
By asking Xi Jinping to name his daughter, Mark’s effectively granting ownership of his baby over to Xi. There’s a name for a man who raises a baby who belongs to somebody else, and that name is “cuckold”.
Zuckerberg isn’t just a Suckerberg, he’s a Cuckerberg too.
If the above 8 points have not convinced you yet that Cuckerberg isn’t the ultimate self-loathing, soulless, sycophantic Panda Hugger of our times, there is nothing further I can say. All that remains is to reward Mark his richly deserved Top Trumps card.
And Mark, if you are reading this, don’t worry if Xi Jinping doesn’t love you as much as you love him. At least there’s somebody else out there who shares the same feelings as you.
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.