I am really sick of DVDs at the moment. I’ve recently been granted a month off work for masturbatory purposes so I’ve had the chance to watch quite a few recently. Proper ones too – not just downloads from the… (Trigger warning for people living in China) …internet.
Let’s be honest, who of you out there honestly enjoys the back-slapping, brown-nosing, sycophantic rubbish that passes for Commentary or “Making of…” documentaries under that “Special Features” button. Here is a typical length of monologue which you are GUARANTEED to hear on every single DVD in the world:
“It was really wonderful to work on this movie with such wonderful and talented people. As soon as I heard that Jemima Winterbottom would be directing the film, I knew I had to jump at this chance to work alongside one of the most talented young people in Hollywood right now. If you look at the costume which the wonderful Hector Snuggs is wearing in this shot, you’ll see that it was made by our wonderful and hugely talented costume designer Sugar Heatherhorn, who really is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever worked with. In fact, I had such a wonderful time working on this movie because everybody was so wonderful and talented that each day was a joy. As I was saying to our FX coordinator Frank Hesiltine – one of the most talented people in his industry – this has been without a doubt the most wonderful film we will probably ever work on. Wonderful, talented, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful…”
And to top it all off, the commentary above is more than likely for some straight to video garbage like Dictionary Man IV: The Search for the Missing Vowels. When you watch these insipid documentaries, you can bet good money on the following things:
1. The main actor/actress will say it’s the been the best film he’s ever worked on.
2. The director will say that he had already decided on the main actor/actress when he first read the script.
3. The main actor/actress will say that he/she had to do the role when he heard so-and-so was directing it.
4. Some boring fat bastard will explain at length how the shadows on the windows were digitally remastered using the latest in MirroShad (TM) technology.
5. Lots of people will use the word “talented” and “wonderful”.
6. No matter how good the film was, the commentary or documentary will be about as much fun as a cake made of nails.
Honestly, I’ve had more fun listening to the commentary of a Chinese football match, and that normally only consists of the words “Hao Qiu” being endlessly repeated. In fact, I’ve had more fun dripping hot wax over my testicles, which is exactly what I’m about to do now.
Thank you for being so fucking wonderful. Laters luvvie. x
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.