Babes in the (Victoria) Wood

vwood

Fellow faggotty British readers will know that this week saw the death of funny woman (is that an oxymoron?) Victoria Wood. I’m guessing that she was a big fan of this blog as I was planning on continuing my musically-themed week of China songs with a song that I wrote back in 2007 based on one of her skits. I had it all set up on the laptop ready to publish and then she went and died the same week. If you did that just to help give me a clickbait title and help my blog hits, thank you from the bottom of my heart Victoria – you really didn’t have to.

(On a side note, I seem to have a habit of predicting celebrity deaths. In the 90s I was watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles the day before John Candy died and had mentioned to my sister that looking at the size of his bulk, John probably wasn’t long left for this world. I did it again in 1997 when at the height of Princess Diana’s media coverage I again told my sister “God help us if she dies, we’ll never hear the last of it.” Next day – bang – Paris. So with my track record I’d like to officially announce that Xi Jinping will be dead by Tuesday.)

(On another side note, being a China related blog I would be amiss if I didn’t mention that the female wrestler and jazz movie actress Chyna passed away this week. I read on her Wikipedia page that she actually sank to the depths of being a TEFL teacher in Japan once her wrestling career had ended. Sweet Jesus… TEFL. Death must have been a release for her. Just after Chyna passed away, so did Prince. All these one-name celebrities are dropping off like flies. Fingers crossed for Madonna. And Sting, the cunt.)

chyna_she-hulk
Is it racist to “green-up” for an Avengers themed bongo film? Here’s Chyna as She-Hulk in the Jazz-themed version of The Avengers. I’ve actually watched this – and yes – before you ask, I did.

Anyway, back to Victoria Wood. If you aren’t a Britfag, you’ll probably need to watch this Youtube video of one of her famous songs first. It’s called “Let’s do it” and features a conversation between an old northern couple who discuss whether or not to indulge in a spot of the old in-out, in-out.

So I really used to have a lot of time on my hands back in those days. For some reason that is now unknown to me, I decided to write a parody of this song based on what would happen if Victoria Wood left her timewarp of 1980’s Britain, moved to China, became suicidally depressed, and a Chinese friend tried to talk her out of throwing herself off a cliff. This was the result. The verses in italics and non-italics differentiate the verses sung by either the depressed Victoria or her Chinese friend.

Let’s do it, let’s do it, do it while I’m feeling low.
It’s annoying, soul-destroying,
When the locals shout “HELLOO!”
Fuck my health, I’ll kill myself, flatten myself with a cheap Chinese shelf!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!

Don’t do it, don’t do it, the thought makes me quite ill.
This is China, nothing finer,
It’s developing just like Brazil.
Look White Man, This isn’t Iran, we Chinese stand united against the hordes of Japan!
Don’t do it – don’t do it, tonight!

Let’s do it, let’s do it, while I’m really in the mood.
I’m quitting, too much spitting,
Why do you have to be so rude?
It’s insane, life’s a pain, I’ll throw myself in front of the Maglev train!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!

Don’t do it, don’t do it, invest in our great land.
Use chopsticks, date our chicks,
We’ll call you an old China hand.
Life is seedier, read the media, just don’t try to access Wikipedia!
Don’t do it, don’t do it tonight!

Let’s do it, let’s do it, I really want to scream and shout.
Where’s the queuing, trouble’s brewing,
I’ve really gotta get out!
Something’s amiss, it’s my wish, that you’ll all stop trying to make me teach you English!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!

Don’t do it, don’t do it, China really is the best.
You’re too cautious and nauseous,
To see it’s much better than the West.
Take our invitation, find salvation, bask in the glory of 5000 years of civilization!
Don’t do it, don’t do it, tonight!

Let’s do it, let’s do it, I really don’t like the food.
I keep shitting, my head’s splitting,
Cos of the way Tsingtao is brewed.
I despair, hear my prayer, I hope I get killed by a tank in Tiananmen Square!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!

Don’t do it, don’t do it, we Chinese like laowai.
We want your dollars, and your scholars,
And our goods you should continue to buy.
China’s funky, you are hunky , you can always find work as an English teaching monkey!
Don’t do it, don’t do it, tonight!

Let’s do it, let’s do it, I feel like the time is right.
The pollution, and prostitution,
Are just making me feel like shite.
Perhaps I’m arty, but who can be hearty, in a country still ruled by a Communist Party!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!

Don’t do it, don’t do it, I’m asking you one last time.
Here this verse, things can’t get worse,
Look beyond the grief and grime.
But don’t foam, when in Rome, if you don’t like it laowai then go back home!
Don’t do it, don’t do it, tonight!

Let’s do it, let’s do it, really make the bedsheets red.
I’m so happy, don’t be crappy,
Very soon I will be dead.
I tried, thanks for the ride, but the time has finally come for some suicide!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!

***

If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.

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