Ignore everything I said in the previous blog entry, I love DVDs again now. And it’s all thanks to the best country in East Asia: Japan!
Last night, instead of pretending to be friendly to people I can’t stand really, I stayed in and sat down with my big box of Japanese cartoons. Yeah, this meant that I only had the few remaining scraps of food in my fridge to eat for dinner (a slice of salami covered in brown sauce), but the two lovely films I saw more than made up for it. The first was probably the sweetest film I’ve ever seen, whilst the second was probably the sickest. Only a country as great as Japan could produce these two fine films from both sides of the extremity rainbow.
Film One: Panda! Go Panda!
Awwww, even the name is adorable. When the film starts you are treated to a host of jumping pandas and the words “Panda, go panda!” repeated again and again. It melted my cynical little heart. It’s all about a little orphan girl called Mimi who lives by herself, until one day a baby and a daddy panda turn up. They all live together as one big happy family, and the Daddy Panda even smokes a pipe. Smoking animals are definitely A GOOD THING. There’s no bad guys or scary parts, just a film about the simple love which can exist between two members of a near-extinct, bamboo eating species, and a young girl. I’m not gay, but I guarantee as soon as you hear the little girl sing “Panda! Go panda!” you’ll get all dewy-eyed too.
Film Two: Nurse Me: Putting the X in X-Ray!
Dear sweet Jesus. The only thing this film has in common with Panda! Go Panda are the facts that both are cartoons and both come from Japan. All similarities stop there. Nurse Me is one of those Hentai films, which means lots of cute cartoon girls being fucked up the arse. This film in particular is about a doctor who specialises in making his female patients feel better by raping them, and a nurse who tries to stop people dieing by sucking their cocks. The grand finale is when the doctor makes a housecall to one family, and proceeds to rape the mother and her kid daughter at the same time; all the time being watched by the husband who has been tied up in the corner but is still ejaculating into his pants. A little Japanese poem pops up at the end which says basically: “Only with a long and hard and dark penis, can a family be truly happy.” Those Japs are definitely messed up in the head… but in such an entertaining way that I love them all the more for it.
So there you have it.
Pandas = GOOD.
Smoking = GOOD.
Cartoon rape = MIXED FEELINGS.
Japan = Tippety-toppity good good good.
DVD commentaries = Still crap.
You know, what with all this Japan-loving, I suspect I might even get a comment on this site soon (God knows it’s about time). Perhaps I should link it to the China Daily forum…
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.