The last few posts have been overly serious, so it’s time to return to doing what this blog does best: offensive humour.
Not China related, but I feel we need a break after this week’s South China Morning Blues and Peter Hessler. You can have too much China – just ask the Philippines.
Have you ever noticed that every TV detective has a quirk? House is misanthropic and addicted to painkillers. Columbo wore scruffy clothes. Dexter kills people. Well, since my China writing isn’t paying the rent, I’ve decided to have a go at this TV Detective lark. After a thorough search of IMDB.com I’m convinced that I’ve managed to find one Detective-Quirk combination that hasn’t been done yet.
Here we go…
SCENE: Funky 70’s music plays over the backdrop of an urban London cityscape, suddenly a red sports car is seen in close up crashing through a brick wall. Huge letters in an aggressive yellow font zoom out to announce the title.
SUBTITLE: PAEDOPHILE DETECTIVE
A fat, greasy policeofficer with thinning hair in his mid-forties wheezes out of the car. He pulls a lollypop out of his jacket pocket, turns to the camera, and smiles.
TITLE: STARRING HUGH LAURIE AS DETECTIVE JOHN DAISYBIRD
A montage of exciting scenes commences. Detective Daisybird chasing a gang of criminals; Detective Daisybird offering a bag of jellybabies to a small girl; Detective Daisybird flinging a dustbin lid like a frisbee and knocking out a murderer; Detective Daisybird sat in a parked car opposite a school; Detective Daisybird firing a gun into a suitcase full of drugs; Detective Daisybird masturbating furiously into an oven glove whilst watching The Goonies.
A huge explosion fills the screen.
TITLE: TONIGHT’S EPISODE – NO CHILD OF MINE – PART 3
SCENE: Detective John Daisybird has finally gathered together all the suspects in the Sootikin murder within the drawing room of Kiddiefuck Mansion. The assorted suspects sit nervously in various poses while Daisybird paces up and down in the centre of the room. Two uniformed police officers stand alert by the main door.
DAISYBIRD: As you all know, I’ve gathered you all here because tonight I can finally reveal who was responsible for the savage murder of Sir Humphrey Sootikin. Every one of you had a grudge against Sir Humphrey, and every one of you was somewhere within this building when the murder was committed. Isn’t that right, Professor Cervix?
CERVIX: I don’t know what you are trying to insinuate Detective. As I have said before I was busy researching my thesis on antelopes of Southern Ghana in the library when I heard Sir Humphrey scream.
DAISYBIRD: That is true. Though you harboured a deep enmity for the late Sir Humphrey due to the incriminating photographs he possessed of you wanking off a Golden Labrador, I know that you could not have reached the games room in time to commit the murder…
(Professor Cervix breathes a sigh of relief)
DAISYBIRD: Unlike you, Miss Hymen, who was in the room next door and could have accessed the games room easily at the fated hour.
HYMEN: What? That’s absurd! I loved Sootikin, everybody knows that. I could never have hurt him.
DAISYBIRD: Really? Even though he cheated on you with Mellors the Gardener? Even though he made you abort the child you wanted to keep? Even though in your diary which I found this morning you wrote “I hate him so much, I wish he was dead”?
HYMEN: But… I….
DAISYBIRD: Fear not, Miss Hymen. I know your womanly hand could never muster the strength to have lifted the lead piping which dealt Sir Humphrey that fatal blow. No, I can reveal to you all the identity of the killer quite easily. Constable Sodom! Hand me a 9 year old boy!
(Constable Sodom leads a nervous and naked 9 year old Malay boy into the room. With great courage, Detective Daisybird takes off all his clothes and penetrates the boy both orally and anally. This continues for 20 minutes – including one advertisement break – until finally the boy is taken away and Daisybird dresses himself)
DAISYBIRD: And I can reveal now, absolutely and without doubt, that Senor Mustachio – the local foreigner – killed Sir Humphrey Sootikin, in the games room, with the lead piping, because of a bad gambling debt.
MUSTACHIO: O Dios Mio! But you fucking that 9 year old boy proves nothing!
DAISYBIRD: (Holds a video tape out high) You’re quite right, but this security footage of you killing Sir Humphrey certainly does. Boys – take him away!
(The two policemen grab the evil Spaniard and drag him out of the room)
HYMEN: Detective Daisybird, that was most impressive. Yet I heard that you may soon be retiring from the force, is that true?
DAISYBIRD: Not at all, Miss Hymen. Wherever there is evil, wherever injustice lurks, and wherever the innocent are in danger – Daisybird will be there. The day I stop fighting crime, will be the day I stop fucking kids. Never.
DAISYBIRD: Just kidding. I’m off on a one-way trip to Cambodia next week.
DAISYBIRD: I’m really not joking.
NEXT WEEK: Detective Daisybird arrives in Phnom Penh only to find that his 6 year old bride-to-be has been kidnapped by an embittered 1970s glam rock singer.
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.