Rarely in my insignificant lifetime have I hated a book more than this fucking waste of a rainforest. Trees died for this rubbish. It has haunted me for the last four years and I am sick of even the sight of it. If it was a person and I met it in the street, I would knock it down and spit on its back. Then laugh at its mother. It really is an enormous waste of time for everybody involved, which others agree with since nobody will buy or review the fucker.
Everything about the creation of this book annoyed me. Far too many nights were spent hunched over a Macbook like some pretentious wannabe journalist sipping his or her’s frappucino in the Beijing fucking Bookworm. At least those guys might build a career out of the 2,000 word essays on Hunan’s sustainable solar-powered revolution that they copy and paste and send over to the Huffington Post. What the fuck was I thinking? I wrote a 286-page book that is largely one long dick joke. The only writing job that is going to win me is possible part-time work writing erotic fiction for The Gay Times.
Do you know how annoying Microsoft Word is once you want to do more than write a memo? That fucking paperclip mascot laughs at me in my dreams at night. I swear one time his eyes glowed red and he whispered that he was going to kill my sister. Every time you make some slight tweak in the comments it crashes and you lose 20 minutes of work. “Oh, you should use Autosave,” you say. Fuck you. I didn’t even use a PC till I was eighteen and that was mainly to check out the fledgling website http://www.shit-city.com. These habits aren’t ingrained. You fix one thing in Word and it finds, rapes and murders ten other things. At one point I considered paying somebody to type the whole thing for me until I realised I didn’t know how to enunciate the use of semi-colons. Also, do you know how many semi-colons are in this thing? Hundreds of the cunts – and I still don’t understand what they do. I just thought they looked cute.
What a fucking joke. Garbage. Zero stars if Amazon will allow me to do so – and that’s generous. A relentless innuendo-filled rant about the oldest and greatest civilisation in the world. Do you know that China has 5,000 years of history? 5,000 years! That’s just a level of deepness and profundity that my simple brain cannot even begin to understand, even if I tried, which I didn’t. The great nation of China invented paper, and yet I had the audacity to pen a criticism of their culture on their own bloody invention. I’m not fit to even hold a piece of paper; let alone a pink one with a picture of Chairman Mao on it. I should be ashamed.
What the hell was I thinking? Literally more people will read the safety signs discarded at the bottom of a disused and unlit North Korean mineshaft then will read this piece of crap. If I did it for the money than I’m even more of a fool than I am for writing the bastard. If I’d put more hours into my job than I did with this fucking glorified paperweight I might have accumulated more than a dollar – which right now is 100x more money than I’ve earned off this trash. A writing career? I would have been better off freelancing myself to tramps and offering to write their begging signs in exchange for free blowjobs. Those guys suck more than my book.
Buy the book if you want. I wouldn’t, but you might enjoy giving it as a gift to somebody you don’t like. Annoy your neighbours. It’d be like sending them a dogshit in the post, but you won’t get shit stains on your hands. I do have stains on my hands however – the stains of shame that I have incurred by insulting the glorious Chinese Communist Party. Chairman Mao got over a billion people to stand up. I shouldn’t even be able to bend over after the ass-raping I deserve for writing this filth.
In short: don’t buy or even read Party Members. You’ll be better off reading Peter Hessler’s River Town. His book even had a chapter where he wrote about juggling baozi. Baozi! That’s the level of understanding Hessler had about China – right to the core. Not like me. I hang my head in shame and apologise to everybody involved in this whole sorry affair. My publishers should have known better. Let’s hope they learn their lesson when they see the shitty sales figures.
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.