I love cartoons. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe the amount of time I waste watching hours and hours of knock-off DVD cartoons at home. From the greats of the Golden Age like Bugs Bunny, Tom and Jerry, and Felix the Cat; to modern favourites like Hillary Clinton, I just can’t get enough of those crazy technicolour toons.
When I was first disassembled, covered in bubble wrap, and shipped to China all those years ago, the first thing I did once clearing customs was to check out the cartoon scene in China. And approximately 34 seconds later, I had covered the whole worthless gamut of mediocre crap-crap-crappiness which passed for animated entertainment.
Cartoons in China are not good. When it comes to pasting white tiles on buildings, creating a socialist paradise, and oppressing the Falun Gong; the Chinese are world-beaters. The only reason why I requested to be packaged and shipped to China in the first place was so I could oppress a socialist Falun Gong supporter covered in tiles. Yet, ask your average Zhou to draw you a picture of a coyote whose face has been blown black by an amusing red stick of dynamite, and the best you’ll probably get is a plagiarized 5000 word essay on tea leaves in the Song Dynasty. In the West, we have spinning Tazmanian Devils, talking poo, and mice trying to take over the world. In Japan, they have animated schoolgirls sticking tentacles up their vaginas. Heck, Belgium, a country whose only fame is being home to fictional detectives, even has the fucking Smurfs and the fucking Smurfette, for Christ’s sake. And China? At the time of writing, China’s biggest cartoon character is a cat who is blue. And I don’t mean blue as in getting on stage at a northern working man’s club and telling jokes about the mother-in-law. No, we are talking about a cat whose sole characteristic is the fact that his skin is shaded the same as the primary colour which forms 50% of the composition of green. And he’s not even Chinese. He’s from the hated nation of Japan.
So, as a concerned citizen, I have decided to come up with my own cartoon character, as a gift to all the people of China. I have rejected initial ideas like Guanxi Gary: The Corrupt Superhero, and Lobsang the Happy Tibetan Lobster, and opted instead for a cartoon aimed more at the important pre-school audience. So, loyal readers, get the kids around the computer and get ready, for the first exciting installment of:
(Josef Stalin walks onto the screen and points a gun at the audience)
Stalin: Hi kids! I’m Uncle Joe, and you will kindly be placing the remote control down and watching the following important broadcast.
(Stalin walks through a cardboard jungle and meets a man dressed up in a shabby mouse costume)
Stalin: Greetings, Comrade Worker Mouse.
Worker Mouse: Greetings, Comrade Uncle Joe.
Stalin: Tell me Comrade Worker Mouse, have you seen Uncurious George today?
Worker Mouse: I have been busy increasing the nation’s GDP, but I will embrace this opportunity for recreational time given to us from the Politburo, and call on Uncurious George to come out and play. But first, we must gather children from all the different nationalities of China and ask them to sing the Uncurious George song.
(56 children dressed in various ethnic minority clothing are ushered onto the stage. Some of them are crying)
Stalin: Sing children! Sing for the glory of the Motherland!
Everybody: Uncurious George, come out to play,
Tell us what you’re indifferent about today!
About our future he’s not melancholic,
He’s the dead monkey from the People’s Republic!
(A dead bonobo monkey is dragged onto the stage by a rope)
Stalin and Worker Mouse: Hello Uncurious George!
Uncurious George: (Obviously dubbed by a guy who normally does the voiceover for the Port of Dandong adverts) HELLO EVERYBODY.
Stalin: What have you been doing this week, Uncurious George?
Uncurious George: I HAVE BEEN WELCOMING OUR BLACK FRIENDS IN BEIJING TO THE SUMMIT ON SINO-AFRICAN COOPERATION.
Stalin: That’s great Uncurious George. Tell me, have you been bothered at all this week by, oooh let’s say, continued human rights abuses, rampant corruption within the Party, the widening gap between rich and poor, our support of atrocities in Africa, ever-growing pollution, a laughable legal system, a financial system tottering on the verge of economic collapse, or bird flu?
Uncurious George: NO.
Worker Mouse: Good. Now tell me, does this bother you?
(Worker Mouse shoots the Tibetan child through the head)
Uncurious George: I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING.
Worker Mouse: Yes Uncurious George, and I would advise all our Western friends who enjoy mountaineering on the Nepalese border to adopt the same attitude.
(Everybody laughs. The body of the Tibetan child has now disappeared)
Worker Mouse: What would you like to do now George? Log onto the BBC website and express your true feelings about your unelected government; or watch a repeat broadcast of the Supergirls contest on CCTV3?
Uncurious George: I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH SUPERGIRLS.
Stalin: Of course you would. Well, time to go now. Any last words for the boys and girls out there Uncurious George?
Uncurious George: WORK TOGETHER TO BUILD A HARMONIOUS SOCIETY.
Stalin and Worker Mouse: Hahaha! Goodbye everybody!
Stalin: (Aiming his gun at the minority children) I said fucking goodbye everybody!
Children: (Whimpering) Goodbye…
Uncurious George: GOODBYE.
Uncurious George goes back to bed,
Don’t complain or we’ll shoot your mum dead.
Be a good child, don’t question authority,
Especially if you’re an ethnic minority.
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.