I was jerking around on Reddit recently and threw around a few ideas for Chinese CCTV shows. It really isn’t that hard: my dog could come up with better ideas than CCTV and his idea of entertainment is sniffing his own arsehole.
If you have any ideas for CCTV shows, do submit them in the comments section. Who knows – maybe a top brass from the open-minded world of Zhongnanhai is reading this right now and might “borrow” your intellectual property rights for CCTV4! Let’s get started:
The World of Suzy Wrong
Light-hearted news review programme in which a 21 year old student with broken English called Suzie is asked about her opinions on world politics and current affairs. Following the show’s success, a Christmas Special is being filmed where Suzie addresses the World Health Organisation on what she believes is the best way to prevent colds.*
*It’s warm water
All the Tee in China
Challenging reality-based game show where teams of foreigners have to gain and use guanxi in order to see who can be the first to play a round of golf on every course in China. Hosted by Andy fucking Lau.
24 – Chinese Version
Tough CIA agent Jack “Tim” Bauer has 24 hours to post a letter, transfer money to an overseas bank account, and apply for a new residency permit in downtown Lanzhou. Will he make it in time?
The Port of Dandong Mysteries
Detective series set in the PORT OF DANDONG. A mysterious visitor arrives in NORTH EAST ASIA’S NUMBER ONE SHIPPING HUB. Can the police stop him in his scheme to prevent The Port of Dandong from REACHING OUT TO THE WORLD FROM NORTHEAST ASIA?
A documentary on the true face of modern Chinese society to the tune of Michael Caine’s The Italian Job.
Another episode of the crime-fighting superhero who can transform into a chair at the hour of need. Starring Andy fucking Lau as Gobshite No. 7.
Popular current affairs chat-show where world leaders thrash out hard-hitting issues. Whilst playing ping-pong.
Deng Xiaoping’s Dung Shopping
Re-run of the popular 1970’s consumer action show where late Premier Deng Xiaoping led an agrarian collective in the procurement of advanced Western fertilizer products.
The Great Ball of China
Nationwide survey of Chinese citizens in an attempt to settle once and for all the question that has plagued scientists for centuries: Who is the most popular Ball in China? 50s screen siren Lucille Ball, English crooner Michael Ball, or DJ Fatboy Slim’s alcoholic wife Zoe Ball?
Sit down, shut up, and do as you’re told
Family fun and games aimed at the under-fives.
Global Times Island
A ground-breaking reality TV social experiment where twenty contestants are left stranded on a remote island without access to any form of media except The Global Times.
Some of the show highlights include:
Week 1: Tibetan minority castaway Lobsang collapses from exhaustion after only five days on the island after being forced to perform traditional song and dance, and express his gratitude and eternal happiness non-stop everyday.
Week 2: The castaways language has almost entirely devolved into a baffling combination of rhetorical questions, angry xenophobic opinions, snorts and clumsy sounding slogans. The island is now renamed “Social Harmony Three Represents Island”.
Week 3: The Japanese pilot of a light aircraft crash-lands on the beach and is offered food and shelter in exchange for allowing every male member of the island to anally rape him and smear dogshit in his face uninterrupted for the next twenty years. The island is renamed, simply, “Diaoyu”.
Week 4: Upon discovering that one of the islanders has been having an affair with a sheep, the other islanders set up an internet site devoted to destroying his life and force him to change his phone number seventeen times in just one day.
Week 5: When 15 year old Xu Guangming is overheard expressing his belief that life on other islands is possibly better than life on their own island, he is forced by the village elders to write the words “Our island is a developing island” on the sand using only the blood from the wound on his penis inflicted whilst working a seventeen hour shift down an illegal mine shaft.
Week 6: News of a foreign African visitor to the island causes the island newsletter to publish an entire issue devoted to the meeting, and pictures of grass-skirted savages boiling Victorian missionaries alive in large cooking pots are posted around the island to make the guests feel welcome. The island is temporarily renamed “Happy Happy Jolly Darkie Island”.
Week 7: 65 year old islander Qian Dongshui has stomach ache, so as a safety precaution every living animal on the island is kicked to death.
Week 8: Since his arrival on the island, Wang Fan has done nothing but read the cartoon published on the editorial page of The Global Times. he begins to alienate the other islanders when he begins to walk around in a white t-shirt with the words “American hegemony” printed in large black letters whilst juggling three balls which respectively have the words “Racial tension”, “War in Iraq” and “Gun control” written on them.
Week 9: The island successfully bids to hold the 2016 International Coconut Shy Contest on its shores, and the elders begin removing every tree, flower, and natural feature from the island in order to make room for a planned “Coconut Village” where athletes can rest comfortably in fibreglass, rotating, neon-lit coconuts.
Week 10: The series comes to a dramatic end as the island is sold to the owner of a medium-scale fake Lego factory, and the castaways are all forced overnight to build rafts and flee back to the mainland.
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.