(As mentioned in Parts One and Two – this was written ten years ago so I have added some footnotes to help the younger ones out there.)
What is Christmas? It’s a little Robin Red Breast shivering in the winter cold. It’s a hungry orphan being led into a shed. It’s a lone snowman whose nose-carrot is missing because it has been stolen and subsequentially eaten by a gypsy thief. However, most importantly it’s the grand finale of our Christmas Panto, which even cable destroying eartquakes cannot prevent.*
(This final act is brought to you by Gordon’s Gin)
Act the Last: In which Hu Jintao takes a dump on a futuristic toilet.
SCENE: Last week we left Hu Jintao trapped in the Cavern of Chinese Delights with only a mysterious lamp for company. As the curtain raises, Hu is sat crying atop a mountain of Kenny G albums.
HU: Bah Mantou! What am I going to do trapped in this cave for all eternity? Without me at the helm, who is going to send out the orders to knock down Beijing’s last remaining hutongs, and shake hands with the Foreign Minister of the Solomon Islands on his next trip to Beijing?
(He whips out his diminutive penis and stares at it in his hand)
HU: No. Even though I may be stuck here forever with only Pizza Hut discount coupons and 1000 year old eggs for company, I should still lead a socialist lifestyle and say no to masturbation. I know, I’ll rub this lamp instead.
(He rubs the lamp, and astonishingly, a genie pops out)
GENIE: Take a wild fucking guess who I am. Come on, you know the score, three wishes and I can go back home. And if you think I’m going to sing and dance like Robin Williams did in that Disney film, you are very much mistaken my friend.
HU: Ok, for my first wish I would like a bottle of XO Remy Martin brought to me by a girl in a Tiger Beer leotard.
(The genie snaps his fingers and the wish is granted)
HU: For my next wish, I would like a can of 7-up to wash it down with.
(The wish is granted and Hu drinks the repulsive cocktail and plays dice with the Tiger Beer girl for 45 minutes)
HU: And finally, I would like you to send me hundreds of years into the future so that I can meet the Representative of Harmonious Christmas Future. I want to see how wonderful Chinese society is in the future thanks to my well-thought out policies.
(The curtain closes and then reopens to a new scene set in the 24th and a half century. It looks a lot like present-day Beijing, only dirtier, and for some reason an animated cartoon duck is flying about in the background.** A sinister hooded figure dressed all in black awaits Hu Jintao as he is lowered by string onto the stage)
HU: Finally! This must surely be the new golden age! An age when China has risen again to her rightful place as master of the universe! An age where the GDP doubles EVERY SECOND! An age where all the people of China can live in peace and harmony as long as they don’t question the Communist Party! An age where piped music comes from the ground everywhere on Earth! I guess that you are the Representative of Harmonious Christmas Future?
(The Representative nods his head solemnly)
HU: This is great! Representative, show me some of the great things about this all-new Cyber-China!
(The Representative transports Hu Jintao to Tiananmen Square. Nationalities of every minority are dancing around in national dress and a huge sign proclaims “Only 972 days to the Second Beijing Olympics)
HU: Wonderful, wonderful, I can almost smell the harmoniousessnessness.
(Suddenly, the minorities stop dancing and start firing laser beams out of their eyes and burning down buildings. A tree is blown up which reveals the sign to be actually saying “Only 972 days to the second time Beijing will be allowed to compete in the new Olympics”)
HU: Noooooo! Oh, the huge manatee! What’s going on?
TIBETAN: Where have you been worthless Han scum? As you know, all the real minorities of China were persecuted to death years ago, and you Han created robot models of us to cover up the truth. But now we will rise against you! Come my brothers, let us combine. Tibetan…
TIBETAN: Together we shall form UltraSuperMechaMinority!
(They form together to create a giant ethnic robot and begin trampling all over the Forbidden City)
HU: Bah Mantou! How can this be? Where is the government? Who is leading the country during this hour of crisis?
REPRESENTATIVE: I can answer that: for I am the new all-powerful leader of China.
(He pulls away his cloak to reveal he is none other that Tom Cruise)
HU: Tom fucking Cruise? B,b,b,b, but… how?
TOM: Actually, I’m the second cloned version of the original Tom Cruise, and I am head of the joint Scientology-Falun Gong government which took power in China years after your death. Thanks to your ridiculous ideologies of harmonious societies and Market-Leninism, the people of China were willing to accept any old rubbish, and so we took our chance.
HU: (Weeping) No, no… it can’t be true. I have seen the past, and I have seen the future, and now I realise how wrong I have been. I promise to embrace the spirit of Christmas, I promise to be a good man, I promise to make China a better place. Just please, take me back!
(There is a wibbly-wobbly noise like the kind Garth and Wayne used to make in Wayne’s World, and Hu is back on his chair in Zhongnanhai)
HU: I’m back! Oh, I’m so glad! Was it all a dream? No, I don’t think so, it seemed so real.
(Wen Jiabao re-enters)
WEN: Oh great leader, where have you been? We were so worried.
HU: You would not believe me, young Wen. I have been to the past and seen the first Christmas in China, and I have been to the future and seen the consequences for our country if things don’t change.
WEN: So then, can me and the lads have the day off?
HU: Bah mantou, absolutely not! Get my bags ready and I want a ticket for the next flight to Canada as soon as possible. I’ve seen what the future has in store for China, and there’s no way I’m staying here for it. See you later, fuckfaces!
(Hu Jintao runs off to steal as many public funds as possible. Wen Jiabao is left on stage to deliver the final speech)
WEN: Well, folks, you may think that I’m annoyed that Hu failed to see the true meaning of Christmas and deserted the country, but actually I’m not. You see, in my spare time I’m actually the Representative of Developing Christmas Present, and I got together with my other two mates so that we could scare Hu Jintao off and I could be leader. So you see boys and girls, it was a happy ending after all. For me anyway. My first rule will be to ban Christmas and place emphasis on getting drunk and receiving bribes at Chinese New Year instead. Now get out, all of you, before I have you all shot.
(The lights go out, there is the sound of gunfire, and then an eternal eerie silence)
* When I originally wrote this, I wasn’t actually able to post Part Three until way into January thanks to an earthquake in Taiwan that knocked out China’s entire internet for two weeks.
**I have no idea what this was referring to. If you have any ideas, pop it in the comments because I’m buggered if I know.
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.