Over the celebration of the Christ child’s birth, I got the chance to visit lots of rural areas in under-developed countries. When not being asked to give money to perfectly healthy looking people, the one thing that I noticed is that I saw a lot of shit. And I mean A LOT. So much shit that I thought it was going out of fashion. Surrounded by such sheer amounts of shit everyday I couldn’t help but ponder on the following question…
Which is better? Deng Xiaoping or actual cow dung?
During my 4th seven-hour bus journey to nowhere I actually gave some serious thought to this.
In 1949, Mao Zedong told the Chinese people to stand up. Then, in the mid 1970s, Deng Xiaoping told them to sit down again… and perhaps enjoy a glass of fine wine. Ever since that fateful day, the Chinese people of the world (mostly based in China) have been free to earn money, go for handjobs in massage parlours, and exploit black people – just like their privileged evil white male cousins. And they’ve been doing it very well. United Nations League Tables this year have shown that China is ranked 7th in the world for earning money, and 1st for illicit handjobs! Racial persecution is still slightly lacking though: China was listed a disappointing 29th, getting beaten slightly by the Solomon Islands.
Truly, Deng Xiaoping was a great man – but would we have seen the same results with just a piece of cow dung in charge of the Politburo? I’ve identified several key areas where the merits of both Deng and dung can be evaluated. So who will win? 4ft 7 inches tall Deng from Sichaun Province, or a three inch long piece of shit straight from a cow’s arse?
Round one: Smoking
Deng: 80 a day man Deng Xiaoping was truly the smoking man’s Chairman. Never seen without a packet of Chunghwa in his hand, Deng would often entertain fellow world leaders by smoking up to fifteen cigarettes at one time, whilst blowing smoke rings in the form of Idi Amin’s late mother. Deng also spread the joy of nicotine addiction to millions more within China: by lowering the legal smoking age to just three months in the womb! Deng Xiaoping: with our yellow, nicotine-stained hand, we salute you!
Dung: Anyone who has ever been to a completely organic farm in the Philippines will testify; nothing steams and smokes quite like a freshly laid turd. Once mistaken by the early Celtic tribes of Britain as manifestations of God, cow shit will continue to give off a pleasantly smelling sulphuric mist, until it dries up and goes all hard. The steam emitted from a fresh “moo’ers egg” is so strong, that Napoleon actually covered his ships in layers of shit in order to disguise his navy beneath a layer of mist. Shit’tastic!
Verdict: Due to his ability to smoke not only cigarettes, but also cigars, cigarellos, and erections; Deng Xiaoping wins the smoking round hands down.
Deng 1 Dung 0
Round two: Rotting
Deng: A bit of a latecomer to the wacky world of decomposing; Deng only really started rotting seriously after his death in 1997. Though some of his critics would say that his post-1989 policies were already lifeless and irrelevant, and that his rule has helped to keep in power a corrupt and out-of-touch gerontocracy, Deng only has a history of about twenty years of being genuine wormfood. The man from Sichuan has also lost out to Chairman Mao in the rotting stakes: Deng Xiaoping was cremated after his death, whilst Mao’s rotting corpse continues to pollute the atmosphere in Beijing. A poor performance from the late dictator in this round.
Dung: When it comes to slowly decomposing, breaking down chemically, and emitting nauseous gases: cow dung really is the shit. It’s brown, smelly, and rots in the ground. If I hadn’t already made a cheap joke about Idi Amin’s late mother, I would have just done another one there. In fact, cow dung is so good at fertilising, it was once number one on in the UK for a record 37 weeks under the pseudonym “Bryan Adams”.
Verdict: Cow dung thoroughly trounces Lao Deng in the rotting round, leaving Xiaoping looking timid in the corner and covered in poo.
Deng 1 Dung 1
Round three: Chinese characteristics
Deng: Our Deng is as Chinese as rice, pandas, and female infanticide. One little known fact, is that not only was he born in China, but Deng Xiaoping could also speak Chinese, cook Chinese food, and is rumoured to have held a number of posts on the Chinese government later in life. Mr. Xiaoping loved China so much, that during the Cultural Revolution he actually jumped out of a window so that he could be closer to the Chinese soil. His three children, Cathay, Middle Kingdom, and Sick Man of the East, are all named after the country he loved. When once asked at a state function in 1987 what his favourite country was, his famous reply was “Probably China”.
Dung: Pathetic. Cow dung displays about as much Chinese characteristics as Big Macs, the French, and rational thinking in the face of justified criticism. Let’s look at the facts: Can’t use chopsticks. Doesn’t like Chinese food. Has no concept whatsoever about “One Country, Two Systems”. Doesn’t take selfies. Can’t name even one Chinese dynasty. Doesn’t harass westerners on the streets of Beijing for free English lessons. It’s about time somebody went up to Mr. Cow Poo and told him: “If you don’t like China, you can go home!” That’ll show him.
Verdict: Following in the footsteps of Fu Manchu, Ming the Merciless, and Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid films, Deng Xiaoping shows his Chinesey-ness with pride. Cow dung, on the other foot, just proves itself to be a running dog of the imperialist, capitalist, scum.
Deng 2 Dung 1
Winner: DENG XIAOPING! Well done Sir!
If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy my book Party Members – a dark comic fantasy that exposes the corrupt underbelly of modern China.