Scene: (Images of Chairman Mao overseeing the masses in Tiananmen Square, Deng Xiaoping visiting the States in a cowboy hat, Hua Guofeng being driven about in an open-top car, and Hu Jintao masturbating into an oven glove. After two clips of each, a bright red “YOU’RE FIRED” mark is stamped over each Chairman. Next clip shows all four ex-Chairmen carting their stuff on a tricycle to some random down-and-out apartment in Beijing)
Caption: The Ex-Chairmen!
(Shot of Mao Zedong trying to unblock a sink, shot of Mao Zedong falling over, shot of Mao Zedong being chased by a goat)
Caption: Starring Adam Sandler as Mao Zedong!
(Shot of Deng Xiaoping with his face glued to a window, shot of Deng Xiaoping kissing a man dressed as a woman, shot of Deng Xiaoping looking shocked)
Caption: Co-starring Ellen DeGenerate as Deng Xiaoping!
(Shot of Hua Guofeng punching a policeman)
Caption: And Charlie Sheen as Hua Guofeng!
(No image is shown of Hu Jintao)
Caption: Episode Five – Revolution is not a dinner party.
(Scene: A dirty, dingy hutong house with unwashed cutlery everywhere. Mao is walking around in his nightgown, Deng is making tea, and Hua is sat with his head in his hands drinking a bottle of whiskey)
Mao: Oh bloody hell, look at the state of this place! I mean just look at that cup, it’s actually got bloody mould growing from it!
Deng: Well, if the rest of you did some cleaning, instead of just me all the time, I’m sure it would be a lot tidier.
Mao: Shut up, will you? When I was Chairman, I had an army of Red Guards who I could call on at anytime to clean my cups.
(Hua takes a swig from his whiskey and shoots a passing rat)
Deng: But you’re not Chairman anymore, and the sooner you get used to that the better.
Mao: Oooh, you’re not Chairman anymore, you’re not Chairman anymore. That’s all I hear from you! You’re just jealous because my picture is in Tiananmen Square and yours isn’t.
Deng: They only put that up to keep the cats off the lawn.
Mao: Go fuck yourself, you capitalist running dog. I’m too busy for this – it’s time to feed Jiang Zemin.
(Mao walks over to an empty fish tank which enclosed a huge slimy toad. He sprinkles some flies into the tank which the toad greedily gobbles up)
Mao: There you go, my little baby. Eat them all up. Crush them in your maw.
(A letter pops through the door. Hua stands up, smashes a picture frame over Deng’s head, then falls over)
Deng: That’s the second time he’s done that this week!
Mao: (Looking at letter) Oh God, look at this. It’s a stupid postcard from Xi Jin bloody Ping. “Hi guys, really busy right now publishing my memoirs, hope all’s well with you.” Bastard. Bloody bastard. I hate that wind breaker wearing cunt nearly as much as I hate you Deng.
Deng: Oh, look! My two cats have come back! Hello boys!
(Two cats enter via the window – one black, one white)
Mao: Useless reactionary remnants of the feudal past. Did any of them bother to assist the masses and at least catch a mouse?
Deng: Yeah, one of them did.
Mao: Which one?
Deng: It doesn’t matter.
(Hua Guofeng moves to slam the cats with a giant hammer but is interrupted when Hu Jintao suddenly bursts into the room)
Hu Jintao: I’m pregnant! And the father is one of you!
Mao and Deng: Say whaaaaaaaaat?
Jiang Zemin: Ribbet.
And so on, and so on; for another seven seasons.
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